Here are a bunch of scripts from Vampyra’s performances, for those of you who enjoy literacy.

Vampyra posing after the show with Sarah Schantz, long-time backstage Goddess, 2012.

Vampyra being “stimulated” in a piece about the economic meltdown, The Money Show, 2008.

Vampyra riles the audience up.

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Vampyra 2011

Greetings, my army. I will be your rage coach this evening. But I’ll have to work up to it, because recently I was enrolled, against my will, in an anger management class. Whatever. I took to it like a fish in —what the hell are you lookin at? Oops. Where was I? Oh yeah. I once had a handle on life. But then it broke. It was the banks that sent me over the edge. And I went storming into Chase Manhattan with a gun shoutin’, “Hands up, motherstickers! This is a fuck up!”..... And so, the anger management class. But screw that, cos we need group enraging therapy. It’s like the opposite of anger management—it’s Apathy Management. It’s wake up time, my friends.

Amerikan politics is insane. Obama wanted to be bi-partisan, which Republicans think means humpin other guys. Hey Democratic leadership, forget bi-partisan and just stick to bein’ bi-curious...You know, for all his brilliance, Obama’s just too mellow, man. If only he could tap into the popular passion, the rage of the people…you know what he needs? A RAGE COACH!

Over the last 30 years, the Dem’s have moved more and more to the right, and the Repub’s have moved into an insane asylum. We have one perfect party for bankers, defense contractors, and corporate/industrial killers. They sit across the aisle from a bunch of heavily armed religious lunatics, earth-hating, women-hating stupid Civil War re-enactors who worry that Obama is a Socialist. A Socialist? He’s not even a liberal!

The Repub’s are always shoutin how Obama’s bringing tyranny. You’re confusing “tyranny” with losing an election. Whattaya think? You got a constitutional right to win everything all the time, and if not, it’s tyranny? You fucking lost. It’s s’posed to taste like a shit taco. We’ve all been there, right?  Get used to it. Maybe I can interest you boys at Fox News in a nice hot cup of Shut The Fuck Up!

This isn’t the America they grew up in. They want their America back! Awhhh. Go tell it to the Indians. This is Amerika. You can’t “give Amerika back”. You just grab it and you run and try to keep it till the next mean-ass motherfucker takes it away from you. And now it’s our turn, cos we won!

In environmental news, the final Hummer just rolled off the line. It’s the ‘Hummer Bummer Extinction 3000’. This badass vehicle actually hunts down and destroys rainforests. Not to be outdone, Ford, makers of the Ford Explorer, Excursion, and the monster Expedition, has a new SUV: the Ford InExcusable. America’s first disposable SUV. You buy it with a full tank, and when it runs out, you just throw it away.

The U.S. is the only country where business and government conspired to destroy the economy. Now we’re like Argentina, but with 10,000 nukes. Can’t we just conquer our way out of debt? The trade deficit to China alone is 2 billion a day, they’re not gonna pay that shit back, and they want us to pay back our student loans?? Fuck you Chase Manhattan Bank! By the time we pay off all that freakin interest, it’ll be 2075, and the average temperature will be like 178 degrees, so who gives a shit?

And then, there’s Occupy Wall Street— Turns out, having a sleepover in the park for 4 months didn’t bring capitalism down. Wo. I think it was Ghandi who said, “The park? Again? Really?” Take that, Wells Fargo! But listen—what Occupy is about isn’t demands, it’s about diagnosis. Kids livin’ in tents telling America they feel abandoned. Beautiful. We’re campin’ and we got drums, puppets and signs!

But, see, the Tea Party’s a lot more focused. Those fucks have elected 62 members to Congress. We need Occupy to be OUR Tea Party. A solid block of far left, radical, unswerving goddamn maniacs who will not stop.

Maybe we need another joint session of Congress. (inhale)That’s when the House and the Senate get baked out of their minds and everybody gets along for one session. (exhale) It’s very rare. Speakin of which, under new guidelines, the Feds will not pursue pot smoking patients in states where MMJ is legal. The new policy is called “Don’t Ask, Don’t— What Was I Talking About?”

Is it time to rage about the economy yet? Because, this damn country’s not broke, it’s richer than ever, except the money goes to like a handful of gazillionaires. It’s like if the country had a big party and ordered a million slice pizza. And the first guy grabs 900,000 slices. And when you ask him to take 800,000 he says you’re a Socialist!

It’s so bad out there, it’s even affecting many corporate cartoon characters. The economy’s so bad, Sesame Street laid off Elmo. He’s out on the streets letting people tickle him for $5.  And Kellogg’s adorable mascots Snap, Crackle and Pop just got busted for selling smack, crack, and pot.

Let’s talk about the banks. They’re doin great! Citibank and Chase just posted record earnings. According to The Federal Reserve, the recession is over. It’s over. Eat me! Listen, fire all CEO’s! Give homeless people money! Give schools money! Give everyone insurance and solar power! Give us the money- think of it as Revolution Insurance. You wanna save money? Stop invading other countries! Stop the freakin war! Bring home our troops: we can send in our investment bankers.

Yeah, the government says we don’t need Total bank Reform because it was just a handful of guys who crashed the world’s economic system. Hey, a handful of guys crashed planes into buildings, now everybody’s gotta take off their shoes and walk through a metal detector.

(Sings)— Come buy guns, my lord, come buy guns— (to the tune of Kumbaya.)

At least the war on the middle class is goin’ great. I say we need a maximum wage— rehab for wealth addicts who kill people and nature for money. New law: nobody gets to keep more than $100,000 a year. Let’s TAX em. How bout we just tax the rich and they just take it? Shut up and take it. They won’t miss it…they might not even hear about it. It takes a long time for rich people to get the word. First the accountant has to tell the butler who has to tell the manservant who wouldn’t dare interrupt their elephant hunt before tea time.

Laissez Faire Economics. Lessez Faire! That sounds so sexy. Laissez Faire! Like a French Lesbian Street Carnival. I wanna go play there! So, what caused this worldwide depression at the French lesbo street carnival? I’m no economic expert, but, I say the lying, stealing murderers created a massive problem so complicated that only the lying stealing murderers can fix it by stealing even more wealth and power so they can continue to lie, steal and murder. Laissez Faire…if we’re gonna be FAIRE, lets just cancel all medical bills, credit card debt, and student loans. No?  you say no? Then let’s officially declare class war.

Ready for some science news? The US makes up 1/6th of the world’s population but we are responsible for 2/3 of the world’s obesity. And we can’t understand that ‘cos it’s in fractions and we rank 63rd in math.

Our education level is sinking as sea waters are rising. CO2 levels have risen to over 400 ppm. That’s very bad news. The highest it’s been in 800 million years. Sea levels are predicted to rise by 1 meter, and we have no idea how much devastation that can cause because its in metric. Really. There’s no way to know. If your rising tide lasts for more than 4 hours, call your climatologist.

The idiots in charge of education are making us a very stupid country. It’s all happening so fast! I say we take this red state/blue state culture war very seriously. It’s like a bad relationship where all you do is fight. Hey, we got together too young, we didn’t know better. You want war. We want peace. You want industrial megagrowth, we want a living planet. We should’ve let you go back in 1860 when you wanted out.

I’ve got the solution: let’s separate! You red state guys get Texas and all the slave states and whatever the hell this is here. We’ll take evolution, alternative energy, and the best beaches. You get 88% of all obese Amerikkkans, 92% of all mosquitoes, and 98% of all hurricanes. We’ll take rock n roll, queer culture, and all the living redwoods. You get The Rapture, meth labs, and serial killers. You can console yourselves by engraving the 10 commandments on all your empty library buildings. And we’re takin all the good pot. And, we taking to the streets to build an irresistible force for change

Things are looking better, almost. “Almost”: the word that keeps us pacified. Almost a depression. Almost peak oil. Almost too late to stop climate catastrophe. Almost all the fish in the ocean are dead.  But as your rage coach, I gotta level with you—we are headed for a big fuckin’ crash. This white-supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal violent & stupefied empire is heading for the dustbin. Thankfully. The tipping point is so close I can taste it.

So, I wanna plant a seed with you today: “Synchronous Cascading Failure”. It means that the powers of this empire are so overextended, the supply lines so long and deteriorating, and everything so connected to everything everywhere that any single mistake could trigger a series of fuck ups that could end us—                                                                       
One overloaded circuit, one degree of temperature, one biotech crop, one big storm, one sick chicken, one economic crash. One single failure in this bizarre balancing act will start the core meltdown. And, BAM! Crash. Ooohhhh….Makes me wet just thinking about it. Synchronous Cascading Failure. Dig it. We got condoms, insurance policies, surveillance cameras, metal detectors, vitamins, airbags, plastic surgery, none of it will save us. The stock market goes into a freefall and there’s a run on the banks, but there’s no money in the banks! The economy’s all a fucking lie just like democracy is all a fucking lie, so, CRASH! Bring it on! Crash, fail! Forget success! What’s success ever done for us?  Synchronous Cascading Failure.

Lets’ all go home and have great End OF The World Sex.

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The War on Stupid
Hey there, hi—I’m Vampyra, with a Y...for my ma who says why?? Why you so angry all the time, you’re gonna get wrinkles on your forehead! Because ma, I’m a rage coach, a professional. And I’m a newly ordained minister of the Awakened Temple of Everlasting Rage. You know I love pot as much as the next stoner, but it’s made us too mellow. This society’s already too passive. It’s like the 60’s wore us out, and most of us weren’t even there!

Hang up for a second and listen to me—It’s not all good. You gotta stop saying this shit—it makes you sound super duper stupid. No worries, no problem, it’s all good. Fuck that! Stop blowing smoke up your own ass! I will be your Rage Goddess this evening. I want you to step away from the screens, get the hell off the cushions and rage! Kick the yoga mat out of the way, put down the bong and the remote, and rage, my sisters and brothers.

Sacred rage, hot rage, red-red rage. Rage ain’t like being grumpy or passive aggressive—this is active aggression! This is how we express and receive rage here at the Awakened Temple of Everlasting Rage. The first commandment of the temple is “The truth shall set you free, but first, it shall piss you off!” Gotta get pissed off, my people.

Because there’s an American civil war goin’ on that boils  down to the smart people versus stupid people, and the stupid people are winning! Look at what they’re doing to mother nature—if it doesn’t move, chop it down, if it flows, use it for fracking. Fracking, tar sands, mountain top removal—all brought to you by The Department of Stupid Ideas. I have an idea: let’s lose the industrial revolution!

Here in the post-modern, pre-future Nowness, Christian Republicans are the Zombie Apocalypse. Stupid people are running the country. They complain that this isn’t the America of our grandparents…No it’s not…coca-cola no longer has cocaine in it. You now have to buy those 2 separately.  Also, we’re destroying the climate—78% of US-ians agree it’s getting warmer.  The other 22% just burst into flames. There’s more CO2 in the atmosphere than there’s been for 800 million years. The sea levels are gonna rise by one meter. And we have no idea how much decimation that will cause, because it’s in metric. Really, there’s no way to know. But lemme tell ya, denial isn’t just a dry riverbed in Egypt.

We can take their ignorance when we pry it from their cold, dead minds.

Well, speaking of cold, dead minds, some Republicans are finally evolving in their thinking about gay marriage. And you know, you can’t ask Republicans to embrace thinking, gays, and evolution all at once. Like it might rip a new hole in the ozone.  Too bad the old hole doesn’t bother ‘em much.

Some Republicans are comin’ out for gay marriage cos so many of ‘em have queer kids who’re comin’out to them. If you got a gay kid, well that’ll change you. Apparently it enhances your empathy for gays if you have a gay kid. Now we need to just get ‘em all a poor kid, a Black kid, an immigrant kid.

So, The War on Terror, or TWOT as I call it, just turned 12 years old, which explains it’s attraction to cool remote controlled planes, by which I am referring to our heroic Drones, our nobel-peace-prize-winnin’-president’s  extra judicial robo-assassination death-bot killing spree. Terror is a noun, and you can’t have too many secret weapons when you’re at war with a NOUN. 12 years. Our endless, borderless war against an emotional state. Terror—and they keep pumpin’ up the fear—How will we ever know we’ve won The War On Terror? When there is no fear left in any of us? Oh god, we’ll never be safe! We’re all gonna die! More guns!!  

Fuck terror, we need a War On Stupid. Cos the war guys and the NRA guys both work for the same guy—the weapons manufacturers—the boom-boom guys. And business is good! 2 or 3 wars (4, 5,11—who knows anymore?) uncountable drone strikes, guns selling off the shelves, assassinations, massacres, 5 year olds’ shooting 2 year olds’—nobody is safe…more guns!  Cos the idiot people are in charge.  Breathe it in. Let your anger clear away the clouds of apathy.

We now spend 1 trillion a year on the military. They doubled the defense budget after 9/11 and then they doubled it again…. don’t talk to Us about fiscal responsibility, motherfuckers! We need a war on stupid. Cos they’re changing the meaning of language.

For instance, what’s a definition of “national security”. Is it just about taking your shoes off in the airport? —Wo! There’s a rage station just waiting to happen. Why isn’t national security about education or safe streets? Safe water, air, food, medicine? Help for the poor? NO! The Republicans just voted against Medicaid for the 39th  time this year. One more and they get free health care for life —just fucking with you—they already get that. Health care: the right to be allowed to live. But we’re broke they tell us, and we’re too busy on the phone, so we believe them, and look where it’s taken us! We’ve had the fiscal cliff, the debt ceiling, and now the sequestration. We’re broke? How ‘bout we just pop the fucking Pentagon pinata? Look at all that money! Or let’s pop the rich, the billionaires and Wall Street. Big stick time, and…

Dows: look at all these Dows….we’re up 15,000 zillion Dows—and I don’t have to tell you what that means, right?  Good. ‘Cos I have no fucking idea.  

For all the dow-in we been doin’, we are now at Peak Billionaire. We know we’re peakin’ cos they’re threatening to leave us here to our poverty and misery and fear. Gonna take all the money and leave if we tax ‘em, the fucks. Hey, If they’re too big to fail, and too big to jail, can we just shoot em? Cos we definitely have enough fucking guns!  Hey, y’all think we got enuf guns?

How many NRA spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb? MORE GUNS!

How do you sell energy efficient lightbulbs to conservatives? Try putting a trigger on it. I wanna invent a gun that kills all the other guns.

The conservative villains wanna drug test everyone who’s getting welfare, but they believe that mandatory back-ground checks for maniacs buying assault rifles is a violation of their rights.  I say we ask all the gun buyers to piss in a cup, and then we can sit back and listen to the Republicans insisting that drug testing is totally unconstitutional…it’ll be fun! You gotta fuck with the stupid people! Cos what’s so wrong about having a national gun registry? Hey, I’m on all the other government lists, you don’t see me whining! In Amerikkka, protecting armed fanatics is patriotism but protecting poor people is socialism.

Those loud mouth motherfuckers defending guns, war, rape and the 2nd amendment are the same guys! They also have a huge crossover with people who say they are “Pro-Life”. Loving them some tiny zygotes,—oh, the cuddly fetuses! The imaginary children are so special! Till they get born, and then they can starve. War on stupid, anybody?

So, women’s reproductive freedom is murder, but giving lunatics automatic weapons makes you a fucking patriot? Because guns don’t kill people, vaginas kill people. Listen, you right wing shitheads, if women took up guns to protect our reproductive rights, the Republicans would ban assault weapon like yesterday! My favorite part of the 2nd amendment is where it says “well regulated”.  Funny how those assholes who like to recite the 2nd amendment always leave that part out. No background checks, no registry.  How did “a well regulated militia” get twisted around to mean a stupid & armed to the teeth unregulated-everybody-and–his-poodle gets an assault rifle? Actually, poodles are more regulated than assault rifles. I think it would be easier to build a time machine and send an English teacher back to 1776 to teach the founders to use a fucking comma! They said IF a militia is necessary (COMMA) then the right shall not be infringed. (see explanation HERE) Hey, the 2nd Amendment isn’t for any idiot to have a gun, the 2nd Amendment was created for if something impossible happens, something unimaginable at the time, some national crisis—like if a Black guy gets elected president.

Cos guns don’t kill people, but NRA people who own Congresspeople make it easier for crazy people to kill innocent people.  Why don’t Republicans just admit that they love guns more than people they don’t know?

People are so angry about gun regulation, you’d think they were being denied the right to marry the person they love. Welcome to post modern, pre-future America, where we fight over who can be allowed to have a marriage license, but we don’t give a shit about who can have a thousand unregulated assault rifles, anywhere.

It’s all about Gun Control-Control: Oh, we can’t pass gun laws cause we gotta protect some redneck’s liberty?  Tell me again how we MUST regulate marriage and vaginas.

In patriarchy, every fetus has a right to life so they can grow up to be in elementary school where they can be shot down by some government-hating racist motherfucker who believes so deeply in the right to life of all fetuses! We fucking need a War on Stupid!  Here’s a statistic: know how many mass shootings have been stopped by a good guy with a gun in the last 30 years? Anybody?... NONE!

The NRA tells us that a car, a knife, and a hammer are all as lethal as a gun. So why do you need a gun when you already have a car, a knife and a hammer? We’ll never be safe till we can all have our own aircraft carriers! Can I get one ‘a those in the WalMart?

A new study of guns, just published in Better Homes and Ammo said that “A gun in your home increases the chances of being shot by the gun by 73%; makes it 50% more likely to be used in a suicide, homicide, or accident, than in self-defense. And an abused woman is 7 times more likely to be murdered if there’s a gun in the home. So, to recap, keeping a gun in your house makes your family less safe, but …isn’t that a small price to pay for keeping your family safe?  It’s kind of a Catch 22-caliber.

Yep, For our whole lives we been living in an ongoing battle between smart people and stupid people. We gotta stop organizing life in this land around the people who do not get my jokes! Fuck that, I’m getting a bazooka!

So, the NRA, the National Rifle Association, or The Assassins’ Lobby, is sayin’ that gun laws won’t work because criminals don’t follow laws. You guys wanna tell me why we have ANY LAWS then?  Anarchy in the USA!!! Let’s have a meeting after the show, by which I mean, a riot.

I’m gonna start a rumor that the president’s gonna take away you’re your kindness, your critical thinking and your books; tell these idiots that the govt’s coming for their open-mindedness and open-heartedness. Maybe then the stupid people will want to start protecting those too. Yo, If the gov’t has enuf money for teachers to all have guns and firearms trainings, why doesn’t it have enough money for school supplies and healthy food?

How bout we put a teacher in every gun store?

Well, you’ve now been infused with rage for 15 minutes— don’t you feel better? The blood’s pounding, the seratonin and dopamine sloshin’ around in there. Kinda like getting high, but more awake. So, speaking of getting high, smoking pot is now legal in the state of Colorado, and you don’t even have to lie about bein’ sick!  By taxing pot smokers, the govt hopes to save the economy. Ain’t it just like the gov’t to try and squeeze blood from a stoner. And C.U. says they may start a marijuana research center.  Really? I thought C.U. was a marijuana research center! I wrote a new state slogan—“Come for the legal marijuana. Stay ‘cause you missed your plane and then forgot to leave.”  

Wo— I kept you off the phone for 15 minutes! Listen, you have the right to remain silent, but I don’t recommend it. Now go on out there and wake everybody else up. Rage on, everybody! G’nite.

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Vampyra 2014

Do you feel sad when you’re unhappy? Do you suffer when you’re in pain? Are you ever less-than-completely-ecstatic every moment of your waking life? If the answer is yes, then like most Amerikkkans, you are Depressed. You need Perma-grin Happy Pills. Side effects include fur on eyeballs, reemergence of umbilical cord, and rectal hallucinations. Here in the pathological U.S. there are pills for the camera shy, pills for shoppers remorse and the stresses of personal bankruptcy. It’s getting kinda crowded in the collective bummer tent.

So, you gotta try to stay healthy. Now me, I belong to a gym.  Well, I don’t belong. I hang out there for the cute girls flexing’ and pumpin’ it up. There are some mighty butch straight girls at the gym, who, it turns out, are not dykes. Fascinating. I’m doing an anthropological study there, looking to get a grant.  I do not in fact belong to a gym.  What do I do for exercise, you ask?  Anxiety attacks.

Because I see things happening in this country and I’m very sensitive.  Over the last 30 years, the Democrats have moved more and more to the right, and the Republicans have moved into an insane asylum. We have on perfect party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, defense contractors, all the corporate thieves.  They sit across the aisle from a bunch of heavily armed religious lunatics, earth hating, women hating civil war reenactors who worry that Obama is a socialist.  Socialist?  Fuck, he’s not even halfway progressive!

So, Occupy Wall Street’s having a sleep-over in the park and that didn’t bring the system down yet? No fucking way! I think it was Ghandi who said, “The park? Again? Really?” Well, fuckin’ take that, Wells Fargo! Drumming circles and large paper- mache puppets didn’t do it, huh? I guess the corporations need a bigger shove or somethin’. Turns out that The Tea Party is a lot more focused.  Maybe we can do what the Tea Party does, ‘cos it sure works for them.  They have 62 new members in Congress. We need Occupy to be OUR Tea Party!  A solid block of far-left radical unswerving-fucking-maniacs who will NOT stop.

Stop capitalism! Stop industrial destruction! Stop the endless growth paradigm! What’s it gonna take for the environmental movement to get radical and stop the oil companies? What’s it gonna take for us to stop identifying with the rich, to turn our backs on this killer system and build a different system to pledge our freakin’ allegiance to?

Now, for an uplifting story— in the pioneering, can-do spirit that made America great, Connecticut man, Fredrick Whitebread, made an astounding discovery when his 36- ounce slurpee got away from him while he was driving, and he had to crawl into the back of his Lincoln Navigator. And then, he realized it—There are seats back there! Extra seats that can be used to transport other passengers.  Wow! America didn’t know that was possible. So, he’s patented his new discovery under the name “freedom seats”. Apparently, the technology for these “freedom seats” has been around for a long time, but was never tested. People just thought those other seats were for in case the driver’s seat broke and needed to be replaced. This may just solve the oil crisis. I thought the war crisis was s’posed to solve the oil crisis. Didn’t they tell us oil would be free by now?  

And, speakin’ of cars, it’s time for a shout out from our sponsor, Ford—in an effort to reduce our dependency on oil, Ford introduces a new car that’s powered by alternative fuel. Not bio-diesel, not solar—the engine of this car is actually hooked up to the life force of the driver. They’re thinking it’ll help us conserve, cos that stoned trip across town at 2 am for a pizza is gonna seem a lot less urgent when it’s draining your essential life force. The new Ford OM is designed to play nonstop meditation music to increase the flow of chi to the engine. So, no worries. It’s all good. Peace. (ding)

You know, people are so angry about gun regulation, you’d think they were being denied the right to marry the person they love. So we got gay marriage in some places now, but a lot of the country is still resisting gay marriage, because marriage is between a man and something that got ripped out of his rib cage. Nothing gay to offend god.

And of course, none of that’s in the constitution, ‘cos homos weren’t even invented when this country was founded by those perfume-soaked butch guys in wigs and silk pantaloons.

This just in—most of the marriages in the U.S. are now teetering on the verge of collapse. That’s how powerful a weapon gay marriage is! It’s predicted that by 2014, the majority of adults in this country will be married to at least one same sex partner, & to some houseplants, pets & appliances. Turns out conservative douchebags were right—straight marriage is the firewall protecting civilization! Well it was. We did it! Civilization is coming down! Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married.  And hey, for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and night after night, it’s the same sex.

Tell me again how we MUST regulate marriage and vaginas.

Cos these gun lovin idiots are also “pro-life” .  Ah, fundam-entalist irony… they love the precious zygotes, oh, the cuddly fetuses! The imaginary children are so special! Till they get born, and then they can go to hell. May the fetus you save be GAY.

And womyn can’t even get birth control covered by the same fucking insurance plans that cover Viagra. As we speak, millions of American men do not have an erection. It’s a national emergency! Hey, impotence is a sign from god that old men shouldn’t have sex. Dontcha think using Viagra goes against god’s wishes?

41% of USians polled don’t believe in global warming. Of course to put that in perspective, 89% of USians prefer deep fried butter to critical thinking.

Check this out, there’s math, so pay attention— according to a new poll, only 1 in 4 Americans can name 2 of the 5 freedoms guaranteed by the first amendment. But more than half of Americans can name at least 3 of the 5 characters in the Simpson family. Well, maybe if Fox ran the Constitution on t.v. 18 times a day, we’d know a little about democracy too. This isn’t a Democracy. It’s the world’s most expensive Public relations event that’s called Democracy. The most dangerous threat to democracy in this country is the mass hallucination that we have it. Ironic, ain’t it?

You know, Irony is a non-renewable resource that’s in danger of running out. And we gotta leave some irony behind, for our children’s children. There’s so much irony in our culture. Let’s try & use other words for sub-ironic gestures: like Moronic, which means that the majority of idiots will choose idiots to represent them, and Iranic, which is when yr gov’ts exit strategy for an unwinnable war is to start another one, and Chevronic, to describe gas hogs in Boulder with groovy cosmic & environmental bumper stickers.

I am a FEMINIST. Who’s a feminist out there? Ah, the F word….Well, so, it’s a tough time to be a feminist. Republicans continue to be psychotically obsessed with abortion. Actually, they’re obsessed with controlling women. Such a backlash against our right to choice! In many red states, a woman has to wait 3 days to get an abortion. Cos an abortion is a total impulse buy. But there’s no waiting period to buy a gun. South Dakota backs women’s right to choose as long as it’s between a Colt 45 and a 36 Magnum. If a republican’s gonna take an innocent life, it better be with a gun. There are too many men making decisions around here!      

Well, it’s a tough time to be a feminist. Republicans continue to be psychotically obsessed with abortion. Actually, they’re obsessed with controlling women. Now we have personhood acts, giving microscopic zygotes rights that conservatives won’t give to gay people. In many red states, a woman has to wait 3 days to get an abortion. Cos an abortion is an impulse buy.

But there’s no waiting period to buy a gun. South Dakota backs women’s right to choose as long as it’s between a Colt 45 and a 36 Magnum. If a republican’s gonna take an innocent life, it better be with a gun.

Hey! If women took up guns to protect our reproductive rights, the Republicans would ban assault weapons…like yesterday!  Listen you bastards: It ain’t a Uter-you, it’s a Uter-Us! Get back to me when you can make an egg, Senator. If you do not have a uterus, you cannot vote on abortion!

There are too many men making decisions around here!  All male-dominated organizations are kinda fucked up, ya know? Politics. Wall St. Al Quiada. The Catholic Church.  The right is always blaming the world’s problems on radical feminism. When someone starts talking about radical masculinism, wake me up.

They sure love quoting Jesus, those right wing, redneck, armed-to-the-teeth fundamentalists. But here’s the thing: Jesus was a  non-violent revolutionary who stood up to the religious fanatics of his time. Jesus stood up for the poor and the sick and women. Jesus was murdered by fundamentalist zealots for the sin of being a social justice activist. So quit using Jesus as an excuse to be a narrow minded bigoted asshole!

Fundamentalist Christians don’t believe in feminism, homosexuality, or evolution. Listen, bitch—feminism and homosexuality are PROOOF of evolution.

Wo! I kept you off the phone for 15 minutes! Listen, you have the right to remain silent, but I don’t recommend it. Now go out there and wake everybody else up.

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