Vampyra 2011
Greetings, my army. I will be your rage coach this evening. But I’ll have to work up to it, because recently I was enrolled, against my will, in an anger management class. Whatever. I took to it like a fish in —what the hell are you lookin at? Oops. Where was I? Oh yeah. I once had a handle on life. But then it broke. It was the banks that sent me over the edge. And I went storming into Chase Manhattan with a gun shoutin’, “Hands up, motherstickers! This is a fuck up!”..... And so, the anger management class. But screw that, cos we need group enraging therapy. It’s like the opposite of anger management—it’s Apathy Management. It’s wake up time, my friends.
Amerikan politics is insane. Obama wanted to be bi-partisan, which Republicans think means humpin other guys. Hey Democratic leadership, forget bi-partisan and just stick to bein’ bi-curious...You know, for all his brilliance, Obama’s just too mellow, man. If only he could tap into the popular passion, the rage of the people…you know what he needs? A RAGE COACH!
Over the last 30 years, the Dem’s have moved more and more to the right, and the Repub’s have moved into an insane asylum. We have one perfect party for bankers, defense contractors, and corporate/industrial killers. They sit across the aisle from a bunch of heavily armed religious lunatics, earth-hating, women-hating stupid Civil War re-enactors who worry that Obama is a Socialist. A Socialist? He’s not even a liberal!
The Repub’s are always shoutin how Obama’s bringing tyranny. You’re confusing “tyranny” with losing an election. Whattaya think? You got a constitutional right to win everything all the time, and if not, it’s tyranny? You fucking lost. It’s s’posed to taste like a shit taco. We’ve all been there, right? Get used to it. Maybe I can interest you boys at Fox News in a nice hot cup of Shut The Fuck Up!
This isn’t the America they grew up in. They want their America back! Awhhh. Go tell it to the Indians. This is Amerika. You can’t “give Amerika back”. You just grab it and you run and try to keep it till the next mean-ass motherfucker takes it away from you. And now it’s our turn, cos we won!
In environmental news, the final Hummer just rolled off the line. It’s the ‘Hummer Bummer Extinction 3000’. This badass vehicle actually hunts down and destroys rainforests. Not to be outdone, Ford, makers of the Ford Explorer, Excursion, and the monster Expedition, has a new SUV: the Ford InExcusable. America’s first disposable SUV. You buy it with a full tank, and when it runs out, you just throw it away.
The U.S. is the only country where business and government conspired to destroy the economy. Now we’re like Argentina, but with 10,000 nukes. Can’t we just conquer our way out of debt? The trade deficit to China alone is 2 billion a day, they’re not gonna pay that shit back, and they want us to pay back our student loans?? Fuck you Chase Manhattan Bank! By the time we pay off all that freakin interest, it’ll be 2075, and the average temperature will be like 178 degrees, so who gives a shit?
And then, there’s Occupy Wall Street— Turns out, having a sleepover in the park for 4 months didn’t bring capitalism down. Wo. I think it was Ghandi who said, “The park? Again? Really?” Take that, Wells Fargo! But listen—what Occupy is about isn’t demands, it’s about diagnosis. Kids livin’ in tents telling America they feel abandoned. Beautiful. We’re campin’ and we got drums, puppets and signs!
But, see, the Tea Party’s a lot more focused. Those fucks have elected 62 members to Congress. We need Occupy to be OUR Tea Party. A solid block of far left, radical, unswerving goddamn maniacs who will not stop.
Maybe we need another joint session of Congress. (inhale)That’s when the House and the Senate get baked out of their minds and everybody gets along for one session. (exhale) It’s very rare. Speakin of which, under new guidelines, the Feds will not pursue pot smoking patients in states where MMJ is legal. The new policy is called “Don’t Ask, Don’t— What Was I Talking About?”
Is it time to rage about the economy yet? Because, this damn country’s not broke, it’s richer than ever, except the money goes to like a handful of gazillionaires. It’s like if the country had a big party and ordered a million slice pizza. And the first guy grabs 900,000 slices. And when you ask him to take 800,000 he says you’re a Socialist!
It’s so bad out there, it’s even affecting many corporate cartoon characters. The economy’s so bad, Sesame Street laid off Elmo. He’s out on the streets letting people tickle him for $5. And Kellogg’s adorable mascots Snap, Crackle and Pop just got busted for selling smack, crack, and pot.
Let’s talk about the banks. They’re doin great! Citibank and Chase just posted record earnings. According to The Federal Reserve, the recession is over. It’s over. Eat me! Listen, fire all CEO’s! Give homeless people money! Give schools money! Give everyone insurance and solar power! Give us the money- think of it as Revolution Insurance. You wanna save money? Stop invading other countries! Stop the freakin war! Bring home our troops: we can send in our investment bankers.
Yeah, the government says we don’t need Total bank Reform because it was just a handful of guys who crashed the world’s economic system. Hey, a handful of guys crashed planes into buildings, now everybody’s gotta take off their shoes and walk through a metal detector.
(Sings)— Come buy guns, my lord, come buy guns— (to the tune of Kumbaya.)
At least the war on the middle class is goin’ great. I say we need a maximum wage— rehab for wealth addicts who kill people and nature for money. New law: nobody gets to keep more than $100,000 a year. Let’s TAX em. How bout we just tax the rich and they just take it? Shut up and take it. They won’t miss it…they might not even hear about it. It takes a long time for rich people to get the word. First the accountant has to tell the butler who has to tell the manservant who wouldn’t dare interrupt their elephant hunt before tea time.
Laissez Faire Economics. Lessez Faire! That sounds so sexy. Laissez Faire! Like a French Lesbian Street Carnival. I wanna go play there! So, what caused this worldwide depression at the French lesbo street carnival? I’m no economic expert, but, I say the lying, stealing murderers created a massive problem so complicated that only the lying stealing murderers can fix it by stealing even more wealth and power so they can continue to lie, steal and murder. Laissez Faire…if we’re gonna be FAIRE, lets just cancel all medical bills, credit card debt, and student loans. No? you say no? Then let’s officially declare class war.
Ready for some science news? The US makes up 1/6th of the world’s population but we are responsible for 2/3 of the world’s obesity. And we can’t understand that ‘cos it’s in fractions and we rank 63rd in math.
Our education level is sinking as sea waters are rising. CO2 levels have risen to over 400 ppm. That’s very bad news. The highest it’s been in 800 million years. Sea levels are predicted to rise by 1 meter, and we have no idea how much devastation that can cause because its in metric. Really. There’s no way to know. If your rising tide lasts for more than 4 hours, call your climatologist.
The idiots in charge of education are making us a very stupid country. It’s all happening so fast! I say we take this red state/blue state culture war very seriously. It’s like a bad relationship where all you do is fight. Hey, we got together too young, we didn’t know better. You want war. We want peace. You want industrial megagrowth, we want a living planet. We should’ve let you go back in 1860 when you wanted out.
I’ve got the solution: let’s separate! You red state guys get Texas and all the slave states and whatever the hell this is here. We’ll take evolution, alternative energy, and the best beaches. You get 88% of all obese Amerikkkans, 92% of all mosquitoes, and 98% of all hurricanes. We’ll take rock n roll, queer culture, and all the living redwoods. You get The Rapture, meth labs, and serial killers. You can console yourselves by engraving the 10 commandments on all your empty library buildings. And we’re takin all the good pot. And, we taking to the streets to build an irresistible force for change
Things are looking better, almost. “Almost”: the word that keeps us pacified. Almost a depression. Almost peak oil. Almost too late to stop climate catastrophe. Almost all the fish in the ocean are dead. But as your rage coach, I gotta level with you—we are headed for a big fuckin’ crash. This white-supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal violent & stupefied empire is heading for the dustbin. Thankfully. The tipping point is so close I can taste it.
So, I wanna plant a seed with you today: “Synchronous Cascading Failure”. It means that the powers of this empire are so overextended, the supply lines so long and deteriorating, and everything so connected to everything everywhere that any single mistake could trigger a series of fuck ups that could end us—
One overloaded circuit, one degree of temperature, one biotech crop, one big storm, one sick chicken, one economic crash. One single failure in this bizarre balancing act will start the core meltdown. And, BAM! Crash. Ooohhhh….Makes me wet just thinking about it. Synchronous Cascading Failure. Dig it. We got condoms, insurance policies, surveillance cameras, metal detectors, vitamins, airbags, plastic surgery, none of it will save us. The stock market goes into a freefall and there’s a run on the banks, but there’s no money in the banks! The economy’s all a fucking lie just like democracy is all a fucking lie, so, CRASH! Bring it on! Crash, fail! Forget success! What’s success ever done for us? Synchronous Cascading Failure.
Lets’ all go home and have great End OF The World Sex.
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