VAMPYRA 2013
The War on Stupid
Hey there, hi—I’m Vampyra, with a Y...for my ma who says why?? Why you so angry all the time, you’re gonna get wrinkles on your forehead! Because ma, I’m a rage coach, a professional. And I’m a newly ordained minister of the Awakened Temple of Everlasting Rage. You know I love pot as much as the next stoner, but it’s made us too mellow. This society’s already too passive. It’s like the 60’s wore us out, and most of us weren’t even there!
Hang up for a second and listen to me—It’s not all good. You gotta stop saying this shit—it makes you sound super duper stupid. No worries, no problem, it’s all good. Fuck that! Stop blowing smoke up your own ass! I will be your Rage Goddess this evening. I want you to step away from the screens, get the hell off the cushions and rage! Kick the yoga mat out of the way, put down the bong and the remote, and rage, my sisters and brothers.
Sacred rage, hot rage, red-red rage. Rage ain’t like being grumpy or passive aggressive—this is active aggression! This is how we express and receive rage here at the Awakened Temple of Everlasting Rage. The first commandment of the temple is “The truth shall set you free, but first, it shall piss you off!” Gotta get pissed off, my people.
Because there’s an American civil war goin’ on that boils down to the smart people versus stupid people, and the stupid people are winning! Look at what they’re doing to mother nature—if it doesn’t move, chop it down, if it flows, use it for fracking. Fracking, tar sands, mountain top removal—all brought to you by The Department of Stupid Ideas. I have an idea: let’s lose the industrial revolution!
Here in the post-modern, pre-future Nowness, Christian Republicans are the Zombie Apocalypse. Stupid people are running the country. They complain that this isn’t the America of our grandparents…No it’s not…coca-cola no longer has cocaine in it. You now have to buy those 2 separately. Also, we’re destroying the climate—78% of US-ians agree it’s getting warmer. The other 22% just burst into flames. There’s more CO2 in the atmosphere than there’s been for 800 million years. The sea levels are gonna rise by one meter. And we have no idea how much decimation that will cause, because it’s in metric. Really, there’s no way to know. But lemme tell ya, denial isn’t just a dry riverbed in Egypt.
We can take their ignorance when we pry it from their cold, dead minds.
Well, speaking of cold, dead minds, some Republicans are finally evolving in their thinking about gay marriage. And you know, you can’t ask Republicans to embrace thinking, gays, and evolution all at once. Like it might rip a new hole in the ozone. Too bad the old hole doesn’t bother ‘em much.
Some Republicans are comin’ out for gay marriage cos so many of ‘em have queer kids who’re comin’out to them. If you got a gay kid, well that’ll change you. Apparently it enhances your empathy for gays if you have a gay kid. Now we need to just get ‘em all a poor kid, a Black kid, an immigrant kid.
So, The War on Terror, or TWOT as I call it, just turned 12 years old, which explains it’s attraction to cool remote controlled planes, by which I am referring to our heroic Drones, our nobel-peace-prize-winnin’-president’s extra judicial robo-assassination death-bot killing spree. Terror is a noun, and you can’t have too many secret weapons when you’re at war with a NOUN. 12 years. Our endless, borderless war against an emotional state. Terror—and they keep pumpin’ up the fear—How will we ever know we’ve won The War On Terror? When there is no fear left in any of us? Oh god, we’ll never be safe! We’re all gonna die! More guns!!
Fuck terror, we need a War On Stupid. Cos the war guys and the NRA guys both work for the same guy—the weapons manufacturers—the boom-boom guys. And business is good! 2 or 3 wars (4, 5,11—who knows anymore?) uncountable drone strikes, guns selling off the shelves, assassinations, massacres, 5 year olds’ shooting 2 year olds’—nobody is safe…more guns! Cos the idiot people are in charge. Breathe it in. Let your anger clear away the clouds of apathy.
We now spend 1 trillion a year on the military. They doubled the defense budget after 9/11 and then they doubled it again…. don’t talk to Us about fiscal responsibility, motherfuckers! We need a war on stupid. Cos they’re changing the meaning of language.
For instance, what’s a definition of “national security”. Is it just about taking your shoes off in the airport? —Wo! There’s a rage station just waiting to happen. Why isn’t national security about education or safe streets? Safe water, air, food, medicine? Help for the poor? NO! The Republicans just voted against Medicaid for the 39th time this year. One more and they get free health care for life —just fucking with you—they already get that. Health care: the right to be allowed to live. But we’re broke they tell us, and we’re too busy on the phone, so we believe them, and look where it’s taken us! We’ve had the fiscal cliff, the debt ceiling, and now the sequestration. We’re broke? How ‘bout we just pop the fucking Pentagon pinata? Look at all that money! Or let’s pop the rich, the billionaires and Wall Street. Big stick time, and…
Dows: look at all these Dows….we’re up 15,000 zillion Dows—and I don’t have to tell you what that means, right? Good. ‘Cos I have no fucking idea.
For all the dow-in we been doin’, we are now at Peak Billionaire. We know we’re peakin’ cos they’re threatening to leave us here to our poverty and misery and fear. Gonna take all the money and leave if we tax ‘em, the fucks. Hey, If they’re too big to fail, and too big to jail, can we just shoot em? Cos we definitely have enough fucking guns! Hey, y’all think we got enuf guns?
How many NRA spokesmen does it take to change a light bulb? MORE GUNS!
How do you sell energy efficient lightbulbs to conservatives? Try putting a trigger on it. I wanna invent a gun that kills all the other guns.
The conservative villains wanna drug test everyone who’s getting welfare, but they believe that mandatory back-ground checks for maniacs buying assault rifles is a violation of their rights. I say we ask all the gun buyers to piss in a cup, and then we can sit back and listen to the Republicans insisting that drug testing is totally unconstitutional…it’ll be fun! You gotta fuck with the stupid people! Cos what’s so wrong about having a national gun registry? Hey, I’m on all the other government lists, you don’t see me whining! In Amerikkka, protecting armed fanatics is patriotism but protecting poor people is socialism.
Those loud mouth motherfuckers defending guns, war, rape and the 2nd amendment are the same guys! They also have a huge crossover with people who say they are “Pro-Life”. Loving them some tiny zygotes,—oh, the cuddly fetuses! The imaginary children are so special! Till they get born, and then they can starve. War on stupid, anybody?
So, women’s reproductive freedom is murder, but giving lunatics automatic weapons makes you a fucking patriot? Because guns don’t kill people, vaginas kill people. Listen, you right wing shitheads, if women took up guns to protect our reproductive rights, the Republicans would ban assault weapon like yesterday! My favorite part of the 2nd amendment is where it says “well regulated”. Funny how those assholes who like to recite the 2nd amendment always leave that part out. No background checks, no registry. How did “a well regulated militia” get twisted around to mean a stupid & armed to the teeth unregulated-everybody-and–his-poodle gets an assault rifle? Actually, poodles are more regulated than assault rifles. I think it would be easier to build a time machine and send an English teacher back to 1776 to teach the founders to use a fucking comma! They said IF a militia is necessary (COMMA) then the right shall not be infringed. (see explanation HERE) Hey, the 2nd Amendment isn’t for any idiot to have a gun, the 2nd Amendment was created for if something impossible happens, something unimaginable at the time, some national crisis—like if a Black guy gets elected president.
Cos guns don’t kill people, but NRA people who own Congresspeople make it easier for crazy people to kill innocent people. Why don’t Republicans just admit that they love guns more than people they don’t know?
People are so angry about gun regulation, you’d think they were being denied the right to marry the person they love. Welcome to post modern, pre-future America, where we fight over who can be allowed to have a marriage license, but we don’t give a shit about who can have a thousand unregulated assault rifles, anywhere.
It’s all about Gun Control-Control: Oh, we can’t pass gun laws cause we gotta protect some redneck’s liberty? Tell me again how we MUST regulate marriage and vaginas.
In patriarchy, every fetus has a right to life so they can grow up to be in elementary school where they can be shot down by some government-hating racist motherfucker who believes so deeply in the right to life of all fetuses! We fucking need a War on Stupid! Here’s a statistic: know how many mass shootings have been stopped by a good guy with a gun in the last 30 years? Anybody?... NONE!
The NRA tells us that a car, a knife, and a hammer are all as lethal as a gun. So why do you need a gun when you already have a car, a knife and a hammer? We’ll never be safe till we can all have our own aircraft carriers! Can I get one ‘a those in the WalMart?
A new study of guns, just published in Better Homes and Ammo said that “A gun in your home increases the chances of being shot by the gun by 73%; makes it 50% more likely to be used in a suicide, homicide, or accident, than in self-defense. And an abused woman is 7 times more likely to be murdered if there’s a gun in the home. So, to recap, keeping a gun in your house makes your family less safe, but …isn’t that a small price to pay for keeping your family safe? It’s kind of a Catch 22-caliber.
Yep, For our whole lives we been living in an ongoing battle between smart people and stupid people. We gotta stop organizing life in this land around the people who do not get my jokes! Fuck that, I’m getting a bazooka!
So, the NRA, the National Rifle Association, or The Assassins’ Lobby, is sayin’ that gun laws won’t work because criminals don’t follow laws. You guys wanna tell me why we have ANY LAWS then? Anarchy in the USA!!! Let’s have a meeting after the show, by which I mean, a riot.
I’m gonna start a rumor that the president’s gonna take away you’re your kindness, your critical thinking and your books; tell these idiots that the govt’s coming for their open-mindedness and open-heartedness. Maybe then the stupid people will want to start protecting those too. Yo, If the gov’t has enuf money for teachers to all have guns and firearms trainings, why doesn’t it have enough money for school supplies and healthy food?
How bout we put a teacher in every gun store?
Well, you’ve now been infused with rage for 15 minutes— don’t you feel better? The blood’s pounding, the seratonin and dopamine sloshin’ around in there. Kinda like getting high, but more awake. So, speaking of getting high, smoking pot is now legal in the state of Colorado, and you don’t even have to lie about bein’ sick! By taxing pot smokers, the govt hopes to save the economy. Ain’t it just like the gov’t to try and squeeze blood from a stoner. And C.U. says they may start a marijuana research center. Really? I thought C.U. was a marijuana research center! I wrote a new state slogan—“Come for the legal marijuana. Stay ‘cause you missed your plane and then forgot to leave.”
Wo— I kept you off the phone for 15 minutes! Listen, you have the right to remain silent, but I don’t recommend it. Now go on out there and wake everybody else up. Rage on, everybody! G’nite.
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