Vampyra 2014
Do you feel sad when you’re unhappy? Do you suffer when you’re in pain? Are you ever less-than-completely-ecstatic every moment of your waking life? If the answer is yes, then like most Amerikkkans, you are Depressed. You need Perma-grin Happy Pills. Side effects include fur on eyeballs, reemergence of umbilical cord, and rectal hallucinations. Here in the pathological U.S. there are pills for the camera shy, pills for shoppers remorse and the stresses of personal bankruptcy. It’s getting kinda crowded in the collective bummer tent.
So, you gotta try to stay healthy. Now me, I belong to a gym. Well, I don’t belong. I hang out there for the cute girls flexing’ and pumpin’ it up. There are some mighty butch straight girls at the gym, who, it turns out, are not dykes. Fascinating. I’m doing an anthropological study there, looking to get a grant. I do not in fact belong to a gym. What do I do for exercise, you ask? Anxiety attacks.
Because I see things happening in this country and I’m very sensitive. Over the last 30 years, the Democrats have moved more and more to the right, and the Republicans have moved into an insane asylum. We have on perfect party for hedge fund managers, credit card companies, defense contractors, all the corporate thieves. They sit across the aisle from a bunch of heavily armed religious lunatics, earth hating, women hating civil war reenactors who worry that Obama is a socialist. Socialist? Fuck, he’s not even halfway progressive!
So, Occupy Wall Street’s having a sleep-over in the park and that didn’t bring the system down yet? No fucking way! I think it was Ghandi who said, “The park? Again? Really?” Well, fuckin’ take that, Wells Fargo! Drumming circles and large paper- mache puppets didn’t do it, huh? I guess the corporations need a bigger shove or somethin’. Turns out that The Tea Party is a lot more focused. Maybe we can do what the Tea Party does, ‘cos it sure works for them. They have 62 new members in Congress. We need Occupy to be OUR Tea Party! A solid block of far-left radical unswerving-fucking-maniacs who will NOT stop.
Stop capitalism! Stop industrial destruction! Stop the endless growth paradigm! What’s it gonna take for the environmental movement to get radical and stop the oil companies? What’s it gonna take for us to stop identifying with the rich, to turn our backs on this killer system and build a different system to pledge our freakin’ allegiance to?
Now, for an uplifting story— in the pioneering, can-do spirit that made America great, Connecticut man, Fredrick Whitebread, made an astounding discovery when his 36- ounce slurpee got away from him while he was driving, and he had to crawl into the back of his Lincoln Navigator. And then, he realized it—There are seats back there! Extra seats that can be used to transport other passengers. Wow! America didn’t know that was possible. So, he’s patented his new discovery under the name “freedom seats”. Apparently, the technology for these “freedom seats” has been around for a long time, but was never tested. People just thought those other seats were for in case the driver’s seat broke and needed to be replaced. This may just solve the oil crisis. I thought the war crisis was s’posed to solve the oil crisis. Didn’t they tell us oil would be free by now?
And, speakin’ of cars, it’s time for a shout out from our sponsor, Ford—in an effort to reduce our dependency on oil, Ford introduces a new car that’s powered by alternative fuel. Not bio-diesel, not solar—the engine of this car is actually hooked up to the life force of the driver. They’re thinking it’ll help us conserve, cos that stoned trip across town at 2 am for a pizza is gonna seem a lot less urgent when it’s draining your essential life force. The new Ford OM is designed to play nonstop meditation music to increase the flow of chi to the engine. So, no worries. It’s all good. Peace. (ding)
You know, people are so angry about gun regulation, you’d think they were being denied the right to marry the person they love. So we got gay marriage in some places now, but a lot of the country is still resisting gay marriage, because marriage is between a man and something that got ripped out of his rib cage. Nothing gay to offend god.
And of course, none of that’s in the constitution, ‘cos homos weren’t even invented when this country was founded by those perfume-soaked butch guys in wigs and silk pantaloons.
This just in—most of the marriages in the U.S. are now teetering on the verge of collapse. That’s how powerful a weapon gay marriage is! It’s predicted that by 2014, the majority of adults in this country will be married to at least one same sex partner, & to some houseplants, pets & appliances. Turns out conservative douchebags were right—straight marriage is the firewall protecting civilization! Well it was. We did it! Civilization is coming down! Soon we may live in a world where the only people opposed to gay marriage will be gay people who are married. And hey, for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and night after night, it’s the same sex.
Tell me again how we MUST regulate marriage and vaginas.
Cos these gun lovin idiots are also “pro-life” . Ah, fundam-entalist irony… they love the precious zygotes, oh, the cuddly fetuses! The imaginary children are so special! Till they get born, and then they can go to hell. May the fetus you save be GAY.
And womyn can’t even get birth control covered by the same fucking insurance plans that cover Viagra. As we speak, millions of American men do not have an erection. It’s a national emergency! Hey, impotence is a sign from god that old men shouldn’t have sex. Dontcha think using Viagra goes against god’s wishes?
41% of USians polled don’t believe in global warming. Of course to put that in perspective, 89% of USians prefer deep fried butter to critical thinking.
Check this out, there’s math, so pay attention— according to a new poll, only 1 in 4 Americans can name 2 of the 5 freedoms guaranteed by the first amendment. But more than half of Americans can name at least 3 of the 5 characters in the Simpson family. Well, maybe if Fox ran the Constitution on t.v. 18 times a day, we’d know a little about democracy too. This isn’t a Democracy. It’s the world’s most expensive Public relations event that’s called Democracy. The most dangerous threat to democracy in this country is the mass hallucination that we have it. Ironic, ain’t it?
You know, Irony is a non-renewable resource that’s in danger of running out. And we gotta leave some irony behind, for our children’s children. There’s so much irony in our culture. Let’s try & use other words for sub-ironic gestures: like Moronic, which means that the majority of idiots will choose idiots to represent them, and Iranic, which is when yr gov’ts exit strategy for an unwinnable war is to start another one, and Chevronic, to describe gas hogs in Boulder with groovy cosmic & environmental bumper stickers.
I am a FEMINIST. Who’s a feminist out there? Ah, the F word….Well, so, it’s a tough time to be a feminist. Republicans continue to be psychotically obsessed with abortion. Actually, they’re obsessed with controlling women. Such a backlash against our right to choice! In many red states, a woman has to wait 3 days to get an abortion. Cos an abortion is a total impulse buy. But there’s no waiting period to buy a gun. South Dakota backs women’s right to choose as long as it’s between a Colt 45 and a 36 Magnum. If a republican’s gonna take an innocent life, it better be with a gun. There are too many men making decisions around here!
Well, it’s a tough time to be a feminist. Republicans continue to be psychotically obsessed with abortion. Actually, they’re obsessed with controlling women. Now we have personhood acts, giving microscopic zygotes rights that conservatives won’t give to gay people. In many red states, a woman has to wait 3 days to get an abortion. Cos an abortion is an impulse buy.
But there’s no waiting period to buy a gun. South Dakota backs women’s right to choose as long as it’s between a Colt 45 and a 36 Magnum. If a republican’s gonna take an innocent life, it better be with a gun.
Hey! If women took up guns to protect our reproductive rights, the Republicans would ban assault weapons…like yesterday! Listen you bastards: It ain’t a Uter-you, it’s a Uter-Us! Get back to me when you can make an egg, Senator. If you do not have a uterus, you cannot vote on abortion!
There are too many men making decisions around here! All male-dominated organizations are kinda fucked up, ya know? Politics. Wall St. Al Quiada. The Catholic Church. The right is always blaming the world’s problems on radical feminism. When someone starts talking about radical masculinism, wake me up.
They sure love quoting Jesus, those right wing, redneck, armed-to-the-teeth fundamentalists. But here’s the thing: Jesus was a non-violent revolutionary who stood up to the religious fanatics of his time. Jesus stood up for the poor and the sick and women. Jesus was murdered by fundamentalist zealots for the sin of being a social justice activist. So quit using Jesus as an excuse to be a narrow minded bigoted asshole!
Fundamentalist Christians don’t believe in feminism, homosexuality, or evolution. Listen, bitch—feminism and homosexuality are PROOOF of evolution.
Wo! I kept you off the phone for 15 minutes! Listen, you have the right to remain silent, but I don’t recommend it. Now go out there and wake everybody else up.
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