Vampyra 2018
Hey, 2017—go punch yourself in the dick! So, we’ve learned a lot this year, women. Not really, but we all know a new term: Sociopathic Malignant Narcissist.
We’ve seen the White Supremacist Zeitgeist. Witnessed Dr Strangelove in N Korea, and all the smash-and-grab looting by Mango Unchained. The pussy-grabbing Nazi coddler.
He’s the silver lining for anyone who died in 2015.
President Creepy Fuck—The Hog Emperor of Rape Culture. We’ve seen rape culture revealed. Rape culture, which we know in our bones, but men have never in their lives beheld.
All hail Chaos, the Great Uncertainty we’ve been forced to live inside of; to our lives of ceaseless nightmares. To the flaming blind-folded toboggan ride through the big trees, through the lion’s fangs, through the daily fire hose of shit in our faces. We have Apocalypse Fatigue! It’s like someone cranked open a big door to hell. It’s like the devil’s army won. You republican motherfuckers wanna pump the brakes a little? But, hey, ya know the Stock Market’s up, so it’s all cool.
This is the time of the unveiling. The world’s closets are having a skeleton liquidation, and everything must go! Thank you, President Creepy Fuck, for having stripped the mask of exceptionalism forever from the face of this empire. Trump and his base have completely disproved the whole white supremacy thing.
White Amerikkka is all mass shootings and masturbating men in power. Child-fucking judges and senators. White men pouring poisons into our waters and our air. Turns out, we’re not so exceptional, Amerikka—we have a demented thug for president supported by Nazis, pedophiles, and sociopathic rich white guys. And the racist, misogynistic criminals are in charge all because rednecks believe they’ll get their jobs back. But hey, the stock market’s lookin’ awesome!
This “representative government” is intent on destroying the natural world. Fucker fired all the scientists. His advisors are all mining executives. The guy in charge of the environment hates it. Amerikkkans are more afraid of clowns than climate change. It’s like they put the fox in charge of the hens. Sorry—hens and foxes were 2 animals that lived on earth before climate change made them extinct.
The republicans have gone from the party of Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don’t believe in evolution!
Our country used to be smart. This president can’t spell 3 letter words. Five decades ago we put a man on the moon. Of course, that was with the help of a woman, Vera Von Braun, and of course, she was a Nazi. But that’s my point—even the quality of our Nazis has sunk way, way down. Our Nazis used to be fuckin’ rocket scientists! Now they’re tiki-torch-marching morons. Our Nazis are a disgrace! But they are many. They are legion. But did I mention, the stock market is fuckin’ raging!
So now we got Russiagate—if Mueller’s fired, we’re in the streets, y’all. We need great new chants that rhyme with Kushner and Papodopalous…
I just think it’s hysterical that Russia has a campaign against American Democracy! Do they not know about Amerikan democracy? Between voter suppression, gerry- mandering, and this bullshit 2-party, winner-take-all system, this IS an anti-democracy campaign already. We got this one, so fuck off, Russia!
Two parties. Well, one—The Capitalist Party. There’s always only been one party in Amerikkka. There’s the right wing of the Capitalist Party, and the far-right wing.
But, I been thinking about the differences. The Republiscum—they’re just so moved by anger! Their talk shows, their rallies, their president ….that’s why they love guns so much. Their party represents anger. But what the fuck does the Democrat Party represent? Anyone know? They don’t represent justice or progressiveness. I think they represent moral superiority.
The Democrats see themselves as the party of the moral high ground, but really, that’s like saying that Donald Jr. is the smart, good looking brother. The Dems aren’t resisting DACA deportation, or nuclear war, or this fucking assault on life support systems….all they resist is winning elections!
A new report just came out that says the Democrats may have tried to influence the 2016 election. It’s unclear if their efforts had any effect on the final vote totals.
That take-a-knee-protest made the far right wing of the Capitalist Party crazy! Fucking white supremacists, all of ‘em. You know, if you’ve got a problem with Black people protesting loudly and you got a problem with Black people protesting silently, then you got a problem with Black people, period. Turns out, racism is so American that when anyone protests racism the average American thinks they’re protesting Amerikkka! But, the stock market has a permanent fuckin’ hard on!
And about guns—here’s an idea—for every gun you trade in, you get ½ inch penis enlargement. Trade in 10 guns, get 5 inches. These guys would go for that, right? And, if you womyn want to trade in your guns—Don’t…Just, Don’t.
These racist Republicans wanna get rid of The ACA cos Obama wrote it. And transgender protection cos Obama backed it. And climate agreements, cos Obama signed em. All we gotta do is convince these fucking idiots that Obama wrote the 2nd Amendment. Or, keep tweeting Trump that Obama can hold his breath for 14 minutes.
Motherfucker—take away Medicare and here’s what happens—older womyn deprived of estrogen pills, that’s what. There’s gonna be murder attempts, jets shot down, gas stations lit on fire! Just fuckin’ try it you bastards!
I hate ranting about Trump, it’s like all I’ve done for a year and a fucking half! It’s all we do anymore—it’s like our religion! It’s our main passion, our most significant relationship—We all hate Trump. Every room in Amerikkka should have a big electrified sign on the wall counting the number of minutes since anyone brought up his fucking name!
Maybe he’ll go down, be impeached, be imprisoned. He’d have to be found guilty by a jury of his peers—12 malignant narcissists. Or maybe he’ll keel over and die. I want him to suffer, though. For a long, long time.
After, he’s dead, or curled up in agony, we can turn Trump tower into an Islamic Cultural Center. Mara-Lago will be free housing for refugees from all the shithole countries. See how the stock market feels about that!
I was into female empowerment, but now I’m just really into Female Vengeance. Female Vengeance! See what that does to the fucking Dow Jones!
Hey listen—nobody wants to see your dick, at work. Lots of us never want to see a dick, ever. Put your fucking pants on, you dicks!
We’re gonna rebuild this world with women in power! All this Male Fragility fucking cracks me up! Talking about patriarchy or Feminism hurts the men’s feelings? Aw, that’s cute. These poor guys feel attacked when we mention Male Supremacy and White Supremacy yeah, that sucks having your gender or race classify you when you just want to live your life. I can’t imagine what that’s like. If I drink enough!
And the men want to go to Mars! And, I’m fine with that. GO! But, Mother Earth says “No going to Mars until you clean your room, boys.” You can start with the plastic in the oceans. Hey if we’re gonna take up a challenge to find life on another planet, how about this one? Trump cut the EPA but wants to put $500 Billion dollars into exploring Mars! You wanna explore something cold and hard—how about the facts? Stop looking for the Goldilocks planet, you fucking assholes! Let’s just make earth great again.
And let’s KEEP marchin’, ‘cos marchin’s awesome! You felt it at the Women’s March, and the one before that—this circle we are, surrounding you with enormous power. But, ya know, we always go home too soon. Imagine if a million womyn stayed in the streets—laid down in those streets—our streets!—to stop traffic. Brought food and water and soft pads and sleeping gear and stayed there. But it’s America and we gotta get back to devouring the world…but, some of us would surely stay!
And, listen, I been stockpiling facts before the government comes to take them away, And I’ll happily share them with you as we camp out indefinitely around a fire and fuck capitalism in the ass!
This is our moment! This is a time when old monuments are being taken down and men’s zippers are coming down and powerful men are going down. Flaming shit is falling all around us. Who organized this moment? Rape Culture. Wells Fargo. The NRA. The KKK. Ask yourself, what can you do to be part of this great rising up? This victory belongs to women! To black women voting in Alabama. To the brave women who came out against perps with nothing but their allegations. They had no idea if they’d be heard — so brave, so strong! And, so many women running for office! This is it, y’all! It’s happenin’!
Listen, Marx only had Engels. Jesus just had 12 guys. Look what happened! This is your country. You already own this. This is the Tipping Point we’ve been hearing about all our fucking lives. It’s time to Fight Back! Our plan to take over the human world in the Final Battle with our Wonder Woman Goddess Armies is almost—oh, I’ve said too much…
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