Vampyra 2017
Hey, I’m Vampyra with a Y for my ma, who looks at me and says WHY??? Why are you still holdin’ a sign and yellin’ the streets?
We gotta march, Ma, cos well behaved womyn don’t defeat empires! It’s been 3 months since the Republiscum won the country, and I don’t even sleep anymore, Ma—I just march and shout in the streets—just circle, day and night, like an albatross.
I long for the days when I could just sit down for a bong hit without missing 3 alternative facts and a Constitutional crisis!
So, this is The Rage Show is brought to you by our sponsor, Everlast Subterranean Lead-Lined Bunkers. Their motto is “Everyone else is dead, so…”.
Wo! Trumplestiltskin Administration! Slow it down! I feel like Lucy and Ethel on the assembly line and all that chocolate’s speeding at me down the conveyor belt, but, it’s NOT chocolate!
So, to recap in case you’ve been stuck to a yoga mat and hadn’t heard, the republic suffered a mild setback in November. Trump and his redneck frat bros wanna take away birth control, jail womyn for having abortions, and kill Mother Earth. It’s all about hating womyn. Cos we got Pussy Power, and that terrifies these men. Did ya see a photo of the Republicans going after women’s health care? They got an elite panel of 13 white men and no women. Diverse cos they have 2 Mormons. That’s not a panel that protects womyn’s health. That’s a panel that says “Well, she drowned. Guess she wasn’t a witch. Throw in another one!”
Hey pro-lifers: you wanna fight for life outside the womb for once? Cos if a republican’s gonna take an innocent life, it better be with a gun. Listen, fuckers- it’s not a Uter-you, it’s a Uter-US. Get back to me when you can make an egg, Senator.
Hey, they’re just jealous. If penises could do what vaginas can do they’d be on postage stamps, they’d be on flags!
So, I’ll be your rage coach for this evening. -As your rage coach, I advise you to reject the “Love trumps Hate” mantra. You wanna love a self-righteous landfill of violent, angry garbage? Our enemies are poised to destroy life on earth. Do you wanna win? Cos I wanna win! Forget that love shit, we gotta BE the opposition that our opposition deserves. Defeat them! I say pitchforks and flaming torches, and we drive ‘em all into the fuckin’ risin’ seas! No more bringing q-tips to a cannon fight for me! FUCK LOVE! Who’s with me?
I shouldda run for president! Who knew you didn’t have to know ANYTHING?
The part of his presidency I’m looking forward to most is the sentencing part.
President. Trump—two words that’ll always sound unnatural together. Republicans defend Putin, sexual assault, illegal missile attacks, and Nazis making policy in the White House, but they had to take a year to debate whether trans people couldd use a bathroom! Guess what they decided?
Uh, quick message to all other countries on earth— we got no fucking idea what he’s talking about either!
We know that red state-ers hate being called stupid, but, they gotta meet us half way and stop being stupid! How is his approval rating still 35%? They think he’s doing great, just like it says on those hats. They tell us we shouldn’t take what he says literally. ‘Cos he’s a poet, and when he starts W.W.3, it’ll be a metaphor. Oh yeah, conservatives love Amerika— they just hate 70% of the people and 100% of the land. Can we build a wall around those motherfuckers? Forget that border wall, and build a giant blackboard!
Or, just build a 2,000 mile-long WalMart on the border. It’ll work the regular Walmart way— customers go in the front and employees go in the back.
For everyone who called him a “straight talker”—fuck you! Just because he says something that you understand doesn’t make him a straight talker— “Make America Great Again”. I understood every word of that sentence. “I’m going to build a wall. ” Wow— I have walls at home! “He says what I’m thinking”—really? That’s what you’re fucking thinking?! I don’t think you should fuckin’ call that “thinking”.
It makes me feel so crazy to be at the mercy of Trumpolini, the tangerine dumpster fire! He’s signing an executive order right now to gradually phase out all living things. So much is happening, but we don’t have time cos here comes the next crisis!
While we’ve been going blind staring directly into the eclipse of democracy, freaking out about bombing Syria, our health care, their budget, Planned Parenthood, the Muslim ban, the Mexican wall, Climate Change, tax returns, pipelines, coal mines, Russia, and nuclear war, this low-life prick of a fake president killed fuel standards in cars & laws protecting rivers. He cut free lunches for kids and nutrician for nursing moms, meals on wheels for the elderly, and AmeriCorps. He brought back lead in bullets, asbestos in houses, and neurotoxins in the ground. But we don’t have time for that ‘cos he wants to destroy Planned Parenthood and jail women who’ve had abortions! But we don’t have time for that ‘cos the Russians stole our election. But, we don’t have time ‘cos a million conflicts of interests are being revealed, and now he’s bombing Syria. Cons love a crisis, they fuckin’ love the chaos. How to make policy from incoherent revenge fantasies? It’s not an exact science, and if it were, they’d de-fund it.
President Creepy Fuck is Rome-Burning in man-form, a bad fitting suit full of chickens coming home to roost. He’s a clown made of cheese whiz, cat hair and petrified foreskin. Putin can’t believe he paid full price for this guy! And he pinches out another couple a early morning tweets…
How the fuck can you be a conspiracy theorist when you’re the President? People make up conspiracies cos they don’t know the truth. Clearly a cry for help. But he don’t cry. He enjoys his alpha male status—that’s why he paints his face the color of a baboon’s ass-it demonstrates dominance.
Luckily, the system of checks and balances might work—the Republican’s evil is being held in check by their incompetence.
Paul Ryan’s shitty heath care bill failed—because of us, and also because of The Freedom Caucus: The Artist Formerly Known as The Tea Party. They study their talking points by the light of burning crosses. The Freedom Caucus are 30 white male conservative Christian zealots who do not approve of pussy grabbing. What if the pussy was falling off a cliff and someone had to save her? Nope. The Freedom Caucus believes in handling a woman’s genitals through legislation only. They’re super hands-off.
Ryan’s vicious health care bill still wasn’t tough enough for these assholes! It’s as if he wrote an infrastructure bill that made all the bridges fall down. And the Freedom Caucus looked at it and said, “Yeah, that’s good, but it only kills people in cars. What about the people at home?”
How can you be a Christian and a Republican? There’s no tent big enuf to fit Jesus and Ayn Rand! They had to build a totally new Jesus. We don’t just have 2 Amerikas, we have 2 Jesuses. One hates the rich, and loves the poor. The other is a small businessman from Gallilee who wants to make Nazareth great again. He’d love to love the poor, but he has investors to think of. Trickle-Down-Jesus.
Anyway, it was great they didn’t repeal our health care. I mammogrammed the shit out of last week! Even got a couple of abortions, cos why not?
It’s gotten very Banana Republic under the Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief. Saddam Hussein put his family in government, African dictators and N. Korea do this. Ivanka, the daughter-wife, now works for the government and has an office in the White House. She won’t be paid, of course— y’know, ‘cause she’s a woman—but, she’s gonna serve as Trump’s Eyes and Ears. It’s an official cabinet position. No word yet on who will be operating his brain. So, Ivanka’s the assistant to the president, her husband is his senior advisor in charge of every single thing in the fuckin’ world, and his boys, Douchebag Von Fuckface and the other one, Thurston Shitbag Lionhunter—I just call ‘em Sonny and Fredo—they’re in charge of the Department of Hair Gel. Melania is the only one I respect. She was smart enuf to say ‘fuck this!’ You know, as much as we want him in prison, Melania wants it more…
And Jared Kushner, the 36 year old real estate prince who’s main qualification is …..no fucking idea.
There are people out there actually hoping that Jared and Ivanka will be good for Napoleon Bona-Trump, convince him that climate change is real, he shouldn’t sexually assault teen beauty queens, and he oughta fund human and environmental needs. Not gonna happen. I got a better idea—I dream of doing a Patty Hurst on Ivanka. My gang of radical dykes will grab her and keep her for a while. Give her a crash course on feminism, white supremacy, Marxist economic theory, and witchcraft. She’ll come out armed and woke, tattooed and dangerous. And, she’ll be OURS!
Ivanka’ll help us fight that Cabinet —A gathering of billionaires and generals. It's been a who's who of What? What! Why?? It’s like he’s outfitting a pirate ship! Every cabinet member so uniquely unqualified, they’re like fucking anti-matter. You’re in charge of this department, make it disappear! The new head of the Department of Agriculture is a swarm of locusts! It’s just generals, billionaires, oil companies, and Goldman Sachs, the company that puts the "douche" in fiduciary.
So, rage up! Fuck love! Look at them—
There's dipshit Rick Perry as Energy Secretary. Obama's pic was a Nobel Prize winning physicist. Rick Perry has a B.A. in Animal Husbandry. He has no idea what a centrifuge does, but he can jerk off a horse like a pro.
Rex Tillerson, head of Exxon is Secretary of State, so all gas stations are now officially U.S. Embassies. But you can’t get asylum there, just Slim Jims’.
Rex Tillerson—best oil executive name EVER, except maybe Tex Drillerson. Or Lex Killer-Son. The good news is, this fuck DOES believe in Climate Change, well, yeah....he invented it.
There’s Kelly Anne Conway, Counselor to the president, who gave us alternative facts. I’ll never forget where I was when I first heard about alternative facts—I was on the moon making out with KD Lang! Ah, Kelly Anne—you fascist minx! I only wish I knew about alternative facts in high school!
There’s White House SpokesPerson and break-out star of Bridesmaids, Sean Spicer, the MC Escher of Bullshit. She is a national treasure! Shitty Shitty Spice Spice. I feel bad for Spicey. You know when your mom came in and asked you if something was burning, and you swallowed that whole lit cigarette and said “Nope”. That moment is now his whole life!
There’s Jeff Sessions, a thousand year old cracker motherfucker, who’s the first Klan member from Middle Earth. He lied about knowing Russians. There’s nobody in there who didn’t talk to the Russians! These guys meet with the Russians more than the Olympic doping committee.
Scott Fucking Pruitt wants to shut down the EPA, and replace the environment with something Tremendous. Like, a new invention to replace water— Instant Water— just add water. Orange Hitler’s gonna bring back coal jobs…what? What the fucks’ with him and coal miners? Do they have a video of him getting pissed on by Russian hookers? Coal…. coal?—In Trump’s Amerika, men only work in 2 places—coal mines and Goldman Sachs.
He’s gonna cut all the regulations, because these billionaire businessmen want to run Amerika like a corporation. But, a corporation is a tyrannical, authoritarian enterprise (with lots of golf vacations). It has nothing to do with Democracy, and neither does Capitalism. It’s the death of democracy. But this confusion between government and business is the life blood of Capitalism —So when Trump talks about running the govt like a business, know that we are in the fucking heart of a totalitarian dictatorship. That’s Amerikan carnage!
Republicans have always wanted to destroy the government and now they ARE the government. It’s like the dog who spent his whole life chasing cars, and now he caught one, and he has to learn to drive it. It sounds funny now, ‘cos yr high, but we’re locked in the backseat of a car driven by a fucking dog! So, rage up and fuck love, y’all!
We need a pot vaporizer that’s hooked to the internet so everytime Trump tweets, it releases clouds of calming smoke. I recommend a strong Sativa for those afternoon threats to bomb N. Korea, and a nice relaxing Indica for those 3 am tweets about being persecuted by microwave ovens.‘Cos we totally need to get a handle on our anxiety.
I wish the pope had run for president. He’s so smart I think he’s Jewish.
This shitstorm happened ‘cos we went unconscious. The Obamas made empire look so good, damn them. We were going along, all politically correct and happy, and then suddenly we're wondering where’d the Planned Parenthood's go, & why our tap water's flaming, & we’re hearing about Fukushima for the first time!
And now we gotta wake up and question everything! Don’t go back to sleep! Even though we’ve got cell phones that’ll make pancakes and lick pussies….oh, you don’t have that app yet? Never mind! We gotta focus! Celebrate our rage—we are 99 days into Trump-olini and he is failing his immoral, unintelligible, ignorant ugly ass off! We’re shutting this shit down! This for-profit president hasn’t been able to deliver on ONE promise. And, Bill O’Riley is DEAD! Fuckin’ YaHoo! GO TEAM! Protect! Protect!
Cos here we are, a bunch-a woke Amerikans with their Congressmans’ number on speed dial, tying up phone lines, turning Town Halls meetings into riots, giving money to Planned Parenthood, the ACLU, and Greenpeace. Every new pipeline, fracked well, and coal project is being fought hard!
Remember that nothing looks more powerful than an empire on the eve of its collapse, & luckily, there’s no prison for the unexpected! We’re stopping this wrecking ball with our righteous rage! We gotta get out there and fuck shit up! Do not obey this tyranny in advance! The great news is us! So many of us poised and primed and ready to resist: the great weapon of us, RAGING. We all have our parts to play—lets shut down this shit! You know, the phrase ‘alley oop” was an ancient circus spell to help someone up on the bar of the trapeze—Ally Oop! We gotta all help each other up, so we can fly!
President Crazy Balls whines ‘cos people hate him? Louder and more then! Let’s laugh whenever we can and keep making jokes at his expense. Let’s make his fuckin’ head explode! Hey, you're the president and people get to make fun of you. If you wanted to be loved by all, you shouldda run for Ice Cream Man. That's a perfect job for someone like you, who can dish it up but can't take it.
So, GO TEAM! Alley Oop, y’all. Pussy Power!
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