Grief Poem


She's a dark churn
tumbling through black space
lonely only astronaut
air hose disconnected from the Mother Ship
the Father Ship and all the potential hookups, gone
a hissing inside her heart
a slow leak
all else is silent
no gravity, no light, or direction
paralytic events stack up
flatten out to such density
there is no way through
but through
no one to say God Bless You Sweetheart
to her and no one will say
Layelah in any voice like his
possibly ever again in this life.

spinning, she churns
she freezes and she burns
there are lovers
eye-chili, bed-candy
there are belongings drifting past
slow motion
no one belongs to her anymore
and she will not be taken in
by any of it/ them.

the past year of days
she aimed for solace in bliss
in missing their blown kisses
their soft hands
the therapist asks: what do you miss about them?
wants big sobbing response, catharsis
to land in the body
what the lovers want too

once upon a time
there were 3 bears
and somewhere
Chezar means
the strands of a rope
somewhere there are people who know this
she has little hope of finding them
a single strand left now
all others are Others
no super powers left to her
even Power of Attorney is gone now
and no one to fit that empty space

she tumbles through space
upside down and backwards
arms flung out finding nothing
the therapist said,
get friendly with that sensation
be with what IS
tumble through darkness
only that
befriend your experience.
blue green globe far below
yashi walls, forest walls, houseplants
sometimes there are coordinates
sometimes you just gotta spin.

2 grandmothers
printed images in circular frames
watch, have always watched as images
relics from that death-bed
their unblinking eyes
she never saw the eyes
of bubbehs in life
but they've watched
from some pleated wing
circling her for almost 60 years
no one living watches 351 sink
into abandon
shrink under neglect
she feels the familiar guilt of quitting
something important

headless chicken
hoseless astronaut
circles are your home now
no more triangles
tho she keeps creating them
to ring bells of companionship
something familiar
an irony of breadcrumbs
paths leading to no home
she has known
this body is a stranger too

in outer space
all shapes blow away
interstellar winds howl
the sucking mouth of god
aims to drain her breath out
and it all just keeps coming
like that movie
the terror hissing fills the theater
the hose strung out behind her
nothing to stop this wind
a winding sheet around her neck
the only tether
anxiety the worst true friend
she's ever met
ice crystals wrap her feet
rooting in impossible nothingness

there's nothing here but freedom
after all that struggle to win that prize
Leave me alone!
shouted everyday of her young life,
here we are.

black space monkey mind
envelopes come
emails, phone calls
classes even come and she appears to lead them
lovers come and she appears to please them
inside is only a howling empty fury
a black cipher, noose
loosed and falling
leaves her therapist's office
trailing that useless hose
gets in her car
drives away to the next thing.

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